People Come, People Go II

I got the inspiration for the “People come, people go” series in mid-February, when my rock climbing belay partner told me she would be gone for job interviews in the following two months, and she explicitly suggested that I start looking for another belay partner. There seemed to be a large foggy sign—although I’ve always known its existence and tried to avoid it—with the written text of “time to say goodbye” that suddenly became very clear in my mind.

The nature of the belay partner in top rope climbing allowed us to build a very strong bond of trust, but I didn’t realize she is such an important friend to me until then. She is six years older than me, and she is academically the best person I know among my peers. She holds a doctorate degree, but she is always so humble and amiable. The way she talks feels like she’s my friend from high school. When we were at the climbing gym every weekend, we often shared about our lives to each other. Most of the time was me talking about new things I learned from school in the past week, and she would just be patiently listening and occasionally share her thoughts. Sometimes I consulted her about interpersonal problems I encountered, and she would give me very gentle and helpful advice that was more understanding and feasible than the traditional suggestions from my parents.  

The night we went rock climbing for the last time, when I got home, I felt such a solid overwhelming sadness. I called my mom on FaceTime and cried to her for nearly an hour. She just watched. That moment, I realized how departure should feel like. Chinese people are reluctant to talk about things like death, so I seldom learned how to say goodbye properly. In the past, when I knew there was going to be a huge parting, I turned myself off. I made myself apathetic so that I wouldn’t be crushed by those massive emotions. But on that day, she told me face-to-face that it was probably our last time hanging out together. I didn’t have the chance to run away anymore. The sadness of saying goodbye hit me right in the middle of my face. Since that day, I’ve been thinking about what I can do or make to visualize this feeling of parting with friends, to allow myself to slowly process and digest the massive sadness that once crushed me over.